Sexual Assault

Sexual assault is any form of sexual activity done to a person without their consent, or who is unable to consent.

If you have been kissed, touched or forcibly penetrated against your will you have been sexually assaulted. It is against the law.

Sexual assault is not about sex or sexuality. It is an act of power and control!

We all have a right to be free from assault and we all have a shared responsibility to make that happen. This website is designed to give you practical information to help you if you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted. It tells you what to look for, how to respond, and who to call for help.

 

What is Consent?return to top

Consent is agreement, permission, or willingness to have contact of a sexual nature.

Consenting is saying 'yes' without threats, coercion or emotional blackmail. If someone asks "Can I borrow your bike?" and you say "Yes" that is consent. Consent can be said like "Yes, I want to have sex with you" or "that feels great" or "I like that".

A person has the right to change their mind at any time during a sexual encounter. If someone says "no", "stop", "I'm not sure I want to do this" or through words or behaviour implies no, then you no longer have consent. You must stop. Pushing someone away, moving the other's hands, trying to get away, resisting or putting clothes back on are all signs of refusal.

What is Coercion?return to top

Coercion is when someone uses pressure, threats and / or intimidation to force someone else into sexual activity. Did you know that the vast majority of date rapes and sexual assaults involve coercion NOT physical force.

Some examples of coercion are:

• applying pressure (constantly pleading, repeatedly asking, bringing it up over and over again)
• using blackmail ("I'll break up with you...", or "I'll tell everyone you...")
• lying, making false promises ("If you do this, I promise I won't ask for anything else", "I promise I'll do...")
• leaning on you, trying to make you feel guilty ("If you love me, you'll..", or turning away, acting hurt)
• yelling or threatening (blocking the path to the door, physical size, previous threats)

Coercion is manipulation. Learn to recognize it and respond to it appropriately. "I'll be willing to talk to you about this when you stop pressuring / threatening / intimidating me. Until then the discussion is closed."

You have a right to be treated with respect.
Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Date / Acquaintance Sexual Assaultreturn to top

A sexual assault that occurs in a dating relationship is called date sexual assault. A sexual assault that happens in a non-intimate relationship such as a co-worker, someone you meet at a bar, or a friend is referred to as acquaintance sexual assault. The result is the same, someone has forced a sexual encounter against your will.

Date Rape Drugs / Assault Drugsreturn to top

There is a lot of talk about date rape drugs such as Rohypnol and GHB. But let's not forget the oldest and most common drug - alcohol. Any common medication that has a sedative effect, intensified by alcohol, can be slipped into an unattended drink unnoticed.

How to Stay Safe return to top

S	Say 'no' clearly and definately. Practice before you go out.
T	Take your drink with you even to the bathroom.
A	Always know your limits before you start to party.
Y	Yell 'fire' instead of 'help' you have a better chance of a response
S	Self-respect is more important than what anyone else thinks. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.
A	Accept drinks from the bartender, server or people that you know and trust. Not sure? Then don't drink it.
F	Friends stay together and look out for each other. If some one is very drunk, very quickly they may have been drugged.
E	Eat a good meal before going out to lessen the effects of alcohol or drugs.

Always remember YOU ARE NEVER RESPONSIBLE FOR THE OFFENDER'S BEHAVIOUR. If someone is going to assault you, they make that choice.

Stalking and Criminal Harassment return to top

Stalking and criminal harassment occurs when someone maintains unwanted or forced contact between an offender (stalker) and his/her victim. Stalking is about power, control and intimidation. Talk to the police, or the Assault Response & Care Centre - they can help you.

Ways to Protect Yourselfreturn to top

P	People you trust need to know what is happening and the danger you feel. Tell them.
R	Report the stalking to the police.
O	One journal for your thoughts and feelings and a different one to record everything your stalker does.
T	Tell your stalker to stop. Avoid any further contact.
E	Educate your children on how to react if the stalker approaches them.
C	Collect and keep everything your stalker sends you.
T	Trying to deal with the stalker by yourself is an unneccesary risk.

What To Do If You Are Sexually Assaultedreturn to top

These are steps you take immediately if you are sexually assaulted.

• go to a safe place
• get support from a trusted friend or
• phone the support services listed below
• Report the assault to police

In the days and weeks following you may feel confused, ashamed, angry and unsafe. These feelings are common.

Remember, you are not to blame for what happened to you and you are not responsible for the offender's behaviour. Consider getting some emotional support or counselling.

Gathering Evidencereturn to top

If you are thinking of reporting the assault to the police resist the urge to shower after the assault - it damages evidence. Keep the clothing, including underwear you were wearing at the time of the assault.

If you suspect drugging, keep a sample of the drink. Proceed to the emergency department of Brockville General Hospital.

An (SAEK) Sexual Assault Evidence Kit may be done by staff to gather evidence. An SAEK allows specially trained nurses to collect evidence that may or may not be used in court. The SAEK can take a long time to complete. However your comfort and well-being is the first priority. You can stop or slow down the collection of evidence procedure at any time. Medical attention is important for your own personal care.

Assault Response and Care Centerreturn to top

The Assault Response & Care Centre (ARCC) is there when you need them. All services are free and confidential. Many people don't report assaults until much later. The ARCC can help whenever you decide to talk about it.

ARCC Couselling

If you choose ARCC's counselling, we will:

• set up an appointment for individual counseling, usually within one week
• help you feel less overwhelmed
• see you in your home community if you do not have access to transportation
• offer the option of group support

ARCC'S Nursing Team at the Brockville General Hospital

You can choose any or all of the following care and treatment options 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:

• physical exam and treatment of injuries - pregnancy prevention
• testing and treatment for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV
• evidence collection (can include SAEK)
• nursing support, follow-up and referrals

We do not have to report the assault to police (unless it is a child and we suspect child abuse).

The Impact After a Sexual Assaultreturn to top

Sexual assault is a crime of violence committed against the will of its victim. Victims do not ask, want or enjoy being sexually assaulted. They do not provoke the assault.

VICTIMS ARE NOT TO BLAME!

Yet, the social and psychological impact of sexual assault may prove greater than for any other crime of violence. WHY? Because sexual assault is not an assault on the body, but perhaps more devastating, an assault on the mind.

Furthermore, sexual assault is the only crime in which the victim my feel or be treated as the accused. It is important therefore to examine some of the feelings and emotions experienced by victims of a sexual assault to allow us to better understand, support and assist in their healing.

Shock	As with any other crisis situation, the victim will be left in a state of shock. They may be unable to express themselves coherently or may seem disoriented. They may even feel a numbness or a certain degree of calmness.
Disbelief	Was I really sexually assaulted? Why me? I didn't do anything to warrant an assault.
Embarrassment	What will people think of me? I can't tell anyone, I'm too ashamed. What if I do tell someone and they don't believe me? I can't face anyone.
Fear	I'm scared to be alone. Am I ever going to feel safe again? Will I get pregnant or get AIDS? I'm afraid to go out by myself. Will I ever feel normal again? Can I ever be intimate again? Will people be able to tell I've been assaulted? I keep having nightmares. I'm frightened to death.
Depression	I can't go on. I feel so tired and helpless. I don't seem to care about anything or anyone anymore. I can't seem to get motivated.
Helplessness	I feel like I've lost control - will I ever regain it?
Disorientation	I can't concentrate. I'm having trouble getting through the day. I'm having difficulty adjusting and communicating with family, friends and the people I work with.
Retriggering	I keep seeing and hearing things which remind me of the assault. I keep having flashbacks of the assault and can't seem to stop them from reoccurring.
Denial	Wasn't it just a sexual assault? It's not so serious; I mean I'm still alive aren't I?
Anxiety	Anxiety may produce physical symptoms such as abdominal pains and discomfort, nausea, muscle tension, difficulty with breathing, digestions or sleep. The victim may suffer from headaches, hot and cold sweats, dizziness and nightmares.
Anger	I want to kill the person who did this to me!

Myths about Dating Violencereturn to top

Myth	Reality
Women are at greatest risk of being assaulted by strangers.	Canadian, British and U.S. studies indicate that women are at far greater risk of being assaulted by men they know. Dating partners are more dangerous than strangers.
Jealousy is a sign of love.	Jealousy is the most common reason for assaults in dating relationships. When a man continually accuses a woman of flirting or having an affair, and is suspicious of everyone he sees her with, he is possessive and controlling.
When a woman gets hit by her partner, she must have provoked him in some way.	No one deserves to be hit. Whether or not there was provocation, violence is always wrong. It never solves problems, although it often silences the victim.
Women in abusive dating relationships stay because they enjoy being abused.	Women who are abused by their dating partners do not stay in relationship because they like being bullied. Most victims want to improve their relationship rather than end it. Teenage girls, in particular, feel social pressure to stick it out because having a 'bad' boyfriend is considered better than having no boyfriend at all.
Men cannot control their sexual urges, and if a woman gets her date sexually aroused, she deserves what she gets.	Men ARE capable of controlling themselves. That's why forcing sex on a partner is illegal. Even if a woman has consented to petting or necking, she still has the right to control her own body. When a woman says NO or NO MORE then the man is required by law to stop.
Men have the right to expect sexual favours if they pay for dates or if they have a longstanding relationship with a woman.	This myth is particularly persistent among teenagers. In fact, it is unreasonable to expect sex in return for initiating and pay for dates. And not every long-term relationship has to lead to 'going all the way'. Sex must be voluntary, and both partners have to agree on when they are ready.
Maybe things will get better.	Once violence begins in a dating relationship, it usually gets worse without some kind of intervention. Waiting and hoping he'll change is not a good strategy. Partners in an abuse relationship need help to break out of the pattern.
'Name Calling' doesn't hurt anyone.	Emotional abuse is often considered harmless 'name calling'. But name calling hurts; that's why people use it. Emotional abuse lowers the victim's self-esteem, sometimes permanently. For many women it is the most damaging aspect of abusive relationships.
I can tell if a guy is going to be a 'hitter' just by looking at him.	Abusers come in all sizes and shapes. They are not the stereotypical muscle-bound thugs portrayed in the media. They are in the classroom, at the dance, or living next door.
It'll never happen to me!	Dating violence can happen to you! It is not limited to a particular social class, or any single ethnic or racial group. Some women are victimized on their first date while others are assaulted after dating a long time. Everyone is at risk.

Three Types of Relationshipsreturn to top

Healthy is...

• Trusting your partner to spend time with attractive others.
• Listening to each other.
• Knowing it's okay to disagree.
• Making decisions together and valuing both opinions.
• Supporting each other's dreams and decisions.
• Feeling okay doing things separately.
• Considering the other's feelings before you say or do things.
• Accepting the other for who they are - not wishing they would change.
• Letting the other be first sometimes.
• Respecting each other's cultures.

Unhealthy is...

• Believing one sex has more rights than the other.
• Getting easily angered.
• Using the silent treatment.
• Yelling when you are angry.
• Manipulating to get what you want.
• Not valuing or listening to the other's opinions.
• Minimizing things that are important to the other.
• Not keeping the other's secrets.
• Being kinder when you're alone than with friends.

Abusive is...

• Controlling the other's activities and relationships.
• Putting the other down.
• Forcing sexual touching or intercourse.
• Intimidating by threatening, hitting or destroying property.
• Forcing alcohol or drugs.
• Putting down family or friends.
• Being extremely jealous or possessive.
• Fearing a violent reaction from the other.
• Blaming you for their violence.

More Informationreturn to top

people who can help?	the legal side	links and resources